I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Henny Youngman
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. Rodney Dangerfield
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? Quentin Crisp
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield
When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life. John Lennon